I Am Not Enough.

I wrote this post 3 months ago, on a very difficult day. I never published it. I don’t know why. This morning, however, I decided to make it public. Maybe it will help someone who has recently been crushed by a big, heavy, shoe.

*****

My life is good. In fact, sometimes I wonder how the kind of happiness I often feel is allowed in mortality and not saved for the heaven! I am so grateful for my blessings!

When things are good, however, I sometimes wonder when a big, heavy, ominous shoe will drop.

That day turned out to be last Thursday. Just such a shoe dropped when our daughter was diagnosed with a large, dangerous brain tumor. Most of the time, I feel peace and strength that can only come from God. But sometimes, like this morning, I feel like my anxiety is pushing out the peace with a force beyond my control.

So I prayed.

Hard.

I was specific. I was honest about the nagging thought that I was somehow responsible for asking for anything and everything that could possibly bless my daughter. I knew that some blessings are given simply because we asked for them, so I was beyond nervous that I would miss something. I was afraid that if I didn’t pray enough or fast enough, she would not be blessed….enough. I wrote down every possible blessing I could think of and I presented this to Father with the plea, “Help me to know what to pray for! Help me to know what I can do to bring down blessings upon her head!” I felt I was inadequate, much too inadequate for such a request. “I” was simply not… enough.

As soon as I had finished my prayer I received my first answer. The impression I immediately received was to go about the Sabbath Day thinking only of the Savior. Do not think about my worries. Focus on Him. Remember Him – always.

I was immediately relaxed. That I could do.

At Church I began to receive more answers. They were all separate but related to that first impression – remember Him.

The first impression I received, as I waited for sacrament meeting to begin was, “Did you forget with what you are clothed?” I thought of the holy temple garment and the blessings associated with them. Yes. I forgot. But then I began to ponder on the covenants I’ve made and knew those blessings were available to me, if I kept my promises.

The next thought came as I watched a sweet young woman receive the gift of the Holy Ghost. The thought was, “Did you forget you can have Holy Ghost as a constant companion? You too, have been blessed with this Gift.” This beautiful gift then helped me understand that God was MUCH more powerful than I was. I had forgotten that. Heavenly Father did not depend on me to bless my daughter. I just needed to depend on Him.

The third impression came during the passing of the sacrament. It was, “Did you forget the blessings of this sacred ordinance?” Yes. I forgot. The Atonement of Jesus Christ covers everything, if I allow it. It covers my inadequacies. It covers my weakness. It covers everything I lack. Jesus Christ is everything, and I am nothing…without Him!

By the end of sacrament meeting today I felt completely different. I remembered in Whom I have my trust! And it isn’t me! I trust in the all powerful, all wise, all loving God! He isn’t waiting for me to say certain, specific words when I pray, He just needs my faith. He needs me to trust in His wisdom and in His love. One way I can exercise my faith in Him is by offering Him my fear. He will take it. He already has.

So, I will offer Him my worries, my anxieties and my inadequacies. I will take His yoke and let Him bear my burden. I will rely on the power of sacred ordinances and covenants. I will trust in His wisdom and in His love. I will remember exactly in Whom it is I trust!

He created the heavens and the Earth! He divided the Red Sea. He continuously filled a cruse of oil and a barrel of meal for a faithful woman and her son. He caused the walls of Jericho to tumble to the ground. He provided manna for hungry Israelites. He provided the Liahona for Lehi and his family. He provides me with blessings so overwhelming I feel they are unfit for mortality. He provides me with strength and comfort in times of need. He suffered incomprehensibly – so I don’t have to.

“He” is enough.

He is so much more than enough.

He is everything.

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I WILL remember – Him.

*****

Today is our daughter’s 19th birthday. After two brain surgeries within one month, she is doing wonderfully! This time, God saw fit to grant our petitions. This time, the Red Sea parted, the barrel of meal didn’t fail, the walls of Jericho fell and we were fed as with manna from heaven. This time our prayers were answered in the way we had hoped!

But if not – we would still believe, and trust, in Him who never fails.

Sometimes I’m not enough.

Sometimes I can’t do hard things.

But He is, and He can….

Always.

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